I think too much, I drink too much

[smescrater]

 

It’s an old epithet that a friend at polytechnic used to use as an e-mail signature. I’ve always found it quite accurate really.

See, the thing is I really don’t know where I stand with alcohol.

On the one hand I really rather like the taste. I’m a fan of whiskey and I do like a fine wine and port. I like some beer and I don’t usually go for binge drinking.

On the other hand, I think and worry a lot, and alcohol is one of the ways I’ve found I can stop the fretting about things by utterly banjaxing my brain for a bit.

However when I drink I have a problem. The problem then is that I have the fear that I’ve behaved atrociously, I have acted like an idiot and embarrassed myself in front of everyone. So the day after drinking anything, I find myself picking over the memory log of the night before looking for evidence of having been a total and utter idiot and made my friends and those I’m with ashamed to be seen with me.

And however part two, I don’t actually need alcohol to behave in that way. This is the thing, I can just get over excited and be really loud and not engage filters before speaking. It’s just that when I’m drinking I tend not to worry about what I’m saying until the next day, whereas when I’m sober I have the immediate reaction of thinking I’ve spoken out of turn and people think the worst of me.

I don’t think people do think the worst of me, I suspect they just see me as a mostly harmless entertaining drunk who spins a yarn and tells a number of tales.

I guess I also worry I’m not good enough on a number of levels and when I drink the guard I have of hiding what I’m really like slips and thus people get to see my rather buffoonish self. I also wonder if I’m really very shallow and everyone else in the world is really very deep. Quite probably irrational, but it does mean that I don’t like to let my guard down for fear of social exclusion, or if I do let my guard down when drunk it swings to the other end of the scale and I act the fool for attention.

I am pondering whether I do need to drink at all though. Since I can act like an idiot without alcohol and there’s a degree of using it too much to stop myself thinking, perhaps I need to reinforce my ban and pick up more meditation and mindful practice.

For all of that though, having drinks with friends old and new last night was simply marvellous. The sandbar seems to the Manchester’s Pembury tavern. I just need to check out the geek meet quotient and what their games and gaming experience are like. Our rag tag group shared hugs and chats amongst a number of things (including the fact I do need more evidence and data on my dislike of Brian Cox). Out of the evening it was decided by the group that I am simply too nice to be nasty, and this I need help. I have manage to garner the services of two enforcers now since I am too nice a person and they have agreed to exercise my latent nastiness. Mess with me, and you mess with my team.

All I need to work on now is dialling my volume back somewhat…

Mirrored from Tales of the gentleman misadventurer. Please leave comments there thank you!